The Difference Structure Makes

Once, on a retreat, I did a study on the first 8 chapters of Mark in which we talked about how the word "Israel" means "struggle." At the end of said retreat, I wrote this poem. I was inspired by a professor who encouraged us all to write a block poem at one point or another. Later, in the revision process, I received some critique that the poem needed a new, more traditional structuring. The difference was sort of astounding to me. Yes, I changed a lot of the sequence and words and added things to the revision, but a big part of the change was simply in the way the words appeared on the page. Neither version is near finished, I would say, but I thought it was still an interesting experiment in structure, and decided to share it with you. Providing the poem with a new format opened doors for a lot of the things I wanted to do with it. So if you're ever stuck with something, maybe try this out sometime.

The Struggle (Version One)


I lost you today woke up you were gone and I miss the ways you used to fill my lungs with life make me sing your righteousness to the skies knowing no way to not love       you       lived in my veins spread through my blood like wildfire each pump of my heart pushed you further       further into my core but it doesn’t anymore       not anymore       I cry out to you hear no reply but why       why      are you unable to return my call at all am I so unworthy too dirty for your touch I sing sin lies not worship my lungs black from all the bad breath I have let escape my lips drag your name through the dirt decay       laugh      I am too unclean for you to love fall down this chasm between us can’t make the other side slip further       further away from you with no one to blame but myself I cry       Stop       I don’t want to do this anymore so tired my body aches for peace rest a moment away from this hurricane of thought barrages of beating sin doubt rack my body break bones tear ligaments leave me a heap of skin on the ground melts away drop by drop vultures circle drop peck at the carcass my soul dies but is just       asleep sound

And you are nowhere to be found

Angry I toss ultimatums around as if they were ping pongs bouncing here there never reaching       anywhere       I want you to answer my questions       this time       I won’t be the one to beg on my knees for forgiveness it was you who destroyed this broke me abandoned me ignored me       left me       without       what am I supposed to do praise you for leaving me to the hyenas laugh maniacally slobber for my torn apart flesh I want to scream at them that you are more than they       because you have all the power someday soon they’ll realize left unable to criticize standing in your glory

I hate you today but want to love you tomorrow even though they snarl at me I want to defend       you       were always there before always listening so why would I think that you weren’t doing it still I lost faith       not you       I left you ignored you abandoned you       destroyed you       I broke your heart so I am broken down in shame I beg for forgiveness at your feet call out your name hear your reply in the love I feel you have for me despite all you delight in me I lift myself up for you

Just catch my heart, Lord       and hold it still

The Struggle (Version 2)

I lost you today

woke up you were gone

I miss the ways

you filled my lungs with life

you spread through my veins

like wildfire into my core

not anymore

I cry out to you

hear no reply

laugh

am I too unclean for you

to abolish this chasm

between us

I cry

I don’t want to do this again

so tired my body aches

for peace, rest

a moment away

from this hurricane of thought

barrages of doubt

rack my body

leave me a heap

of skin on the ground

and you are nowhere to be found

angry I toss ultimatums around

as if they were ping pongs bouncing

here there never reaching

anywhere

what am I supposed to do

praise you for leaving me

to the hyena’s laugh

you have all the power

and do nothing

I am weak and

cannot stand

but you don’t reach a hand

leave me to the masses

I know what I have done

I sing sin lies

push you away

then wonder where you’ve gone

fight you all the way

blame you for letting go

leaving me alone

to climb up this hill

just catch my heart

hold it still